Hurrying and Redemption

Heart races, muscles tighten, mind tenses; “I must finish this so I can get on to the next thing!” Hurrying- it’s one of the biggest problems I see in myself, that is when I slow down enough to see it. I don’t know when or how it started in me. Probably it’s prompted by my desire to please, my drive to excel, my fear that life will pass me by and I’ll miss the best parts. The irony is that no one is pleased with an uptight woman, excellence without peace isn’t excellent, and life lived in a rush isn’t lived fully.

Last Tuesday I left the boys with Geryll and hurried through the rain to Big Lots for paper clips. I hate that cluttered store, but it's nearby and has clips. As I grabbed a box it's flimsy packaging immediately gave way. Clips flew everywhere. Wanting to kick them aside, I instead bent and picked them up, figuring this is what a Christian lady should do: care about the person who has to clean them up rather than her own hurry.

Clips back in package I reached for another box. The same thing happened. Again, this Christian lady quickly gathered them.

At the front of the store I dashed to an open register. Three cashiers stood by talking. One turned to me snapping, “Go over there, there isn’t anyone at this register. It’s not open.”

My disgusted response came before I could bite my tongue, “It sure looks like it is.”

Seething in the long line, I vowed, "This is the last time I’m shopping here. If they want customers they need to be nicer than all that. This only confirms my dislike of this store.”

So much for that nice Christian lady.

When I reached the checkout the cashier said, “You don’t look impressed.”

Embarrassed, I muttered something about being in a hurry.

At home I begged my God forgiveness. What if the cashier was the mom of a Kid’s Club student? What if she showed up at my church and recognized me?

I scolded myself realizing my thoughts toward the store personnel applied to me too. If I want people to "shop at my store" and love the Jesus I love I need to be return evil with good. My actions may have only confirmed that woman's bad opinion of Mennonites.

God is a God of redemption but I couldn’t see how He could redeem this. My head knew He forgave me, but my heart didn’t feel it. I know better than to kick myself –after all, no one is perfect- but I still did.

In Sunday School on Sunday my friends shared beautiful testimonies of things they did because of the life of Jesus in them. My mouth stayed shut while my heart pounded. Finally the last five minutes of class I admitted the truth about Big Lots.

With confession came redemption. One woman said, “Don’t go to shame. Things like this remind us that we need to do good out of the life of Jesus in us, not on our own strength.” Still more sisters hugged and affirmed me.

I’d still take back my harsh words to the cashier, but I’d never take back that experience of love and mercy. I still hurry. A half hour ago I had to force myself to sit and journal because I’d rather be working. But, I sit in reflection because I am begging God to help me be calm at the core, always aware of His life in me. So, if you meet me and I’m rushing, just say, “Jesus is in you Carla. He can handle everything. Operate out of His life in you.”

The Boys

These days my life centers on two small people. The baby smiles and coos, convincing me to hold him rather than do my work, teaching me that holding him is an essential part of my work. The big boy talks loudly in his excitement over little things, convincing me to stop what I'm doing and read him a book, teaching me to delight in the simple things.

 
 
 
 

Home from Vacation

We're back in cold, rainy Meadville after a vacation to the Outer Banks. Hurricane Earl sent us home two days early. Hurricanes and vacation go together for us. Hurricane Frances sent us home a week early on our honeymoon.

Vacationing with a five week old baby and a two year old definitely stretches me as a mom. Some experiences are so much sweeter others are so much more trying. Thursday morning was that way. Both boys were awake at 5:45. Since I'd been hoping to slip out to the beach and watch the sunrise I decided to take them with me.

In the dim calm of the morning, pushing Tristan in the stroller and carrying Alex in the sling I felt so happy to be a mama sharing this special morning with my boys. We got to the beach and waited and waited and waited for the sun to rise. Any thoughts of meditation for me where vain since Tristan begged to go back to the house. We sang songs and said verses and counted the pelicans flying overhead. Finally I realized the sun had risen behind the clouds. So much for Tristan being excited about watching the orange ball of sun rise for the first time.

I remind myself that all too soon my boys will be older and I'll be able to go watch the sunrise in peace. Probably then I'll be begging one of them to wake up and see it with me. 
The sling is a lifesaver! Alex and I both love it. When I'm outside he can ride in here protected from the sun and wind. It's been great at picnics, enabling me to help Tristan or get my own food while holding Alex. I made the sling, following the tutorial found here. Usually he inside the sling further than he is on the picture. He's getting too big for this one.

Celebrating Six Years

 
August 28 Geryll and I celebrated our sixth anniversary. I remember the first time I met Geryll, in the summer of 2001. He walked up to me in the Faith Builders gym where I was playing basketball. Conscious of my sweaty body and red face I stuck out a damp hand and said "hi", flattered that such a hot guy would be interested in me enough to introduce himself. Little did we know. . .

I returned to Faith Builders as a full time student the fall of 2002, determined not to fall in love. Well, there are some things you can't control. Eight years later we've gone from one adventure after the other together.

For those of you who know our extended family, check out those little girls. Six years later they are beautiful young women!
 

Week 2 with Baby Alex

Precious Little One

 
For him we've been waiting. As Geryll wrote several weeks ago:

Within the bounds of the universe
Grows a seed of its own the first
Out of ecstasy life takes root
Unknown yet received as the silent dew.

Within the bounds but unbound within
A soul awakes where none has been
Unfolds a world which, unconstrained
Changes the place herein contained.

Love is a seed which sheds its fruit
Upon hard earth or indifferent brute
Yet sweetens the place where grace has passed
And wakes the smiles like blades of grass

Precious little one, who might you be
Wringing the heart of its tears and glee
Now for the present we wait and see
Wait for the flower escaping the seed

 
On July 25 at 5:55 p.m. Geryll, the midwife, and I saw for the first time the person no one had yet seen- little Alex Samuel, weighing 7 lbs. 8 oz. 20 1/2 inches long. We delight in his wholeness and sweet disposition. So far he has been very contented, sleeping and eating well.

 
Tristan has had an emotional week of missing Mama's attention. If only he could talk more about what he's feeling! He loves Alex, often wanting to hold him. The trouble now is that Tristan has a cold, making me anxious about him touching the baby.

 
As I sat in the clinic, cuddling my newborn son, these words played through my mind for him, "God has given you all that you need in the package of your life to be an overcomer". I don't know what Alex will have to overcome. I do know that life is a battle. My mama heart wants to shield him as much as possible. In all this goodness I can still fear many things, realizing that as I embrace life I must also embrace death. I can't imagine living without Jesus' sustaining presence.

It has been a week of one blessing after the next. We would never have made it without the help of the grandmas. Our friends blessed us with phone calls, emails, gifts, cards, and food. I could go crazy trying to absorb it all, feeling so unworthy and so grateful.

Thankful for Song

Last Saturday morning as I cleaned my kitchen my mind churned out grouchy thoughts. All morning I'd been an emotional mess, perhaps partly due to the naughty donut I'd eaten first thing. I forced myself to sing words I didn't feel like singing but still wanted to be true, "Spirit of God, descend upon my heart." To my surprise, the grouchy went away immediately. The song changed my morning.

I married a man with a beautiful singing voice. He sings while he works. He sings our boy to sleep at night. Together we have a son who loves singing. Tristan often gets the pitch pipe (he calls it the "wa wa"), blows it, hums "do-so" and walks around singing in his mostly monotone voice. When Daddy is home Tristan loves to bring him the songbook and pitch pipe so they can sing together. I believe Geryll's songs nurture Tristan's spirit in ways nothing else could.

Today I thank God for the life giving, reality changing power of words set to song.

Staying Cool

 
In this hot weather we've been loving freeze pops made from a mixture of homemade yogurt and fruit juice. Tristan often has one first thing in the morning.

These days I live with a heightened awareness of each moment, knowing any day my life could change with the birth of my baby. So I savor the moments with Geryll and Tristan, anticipating the future, yet wanting to cling to the now. The reality of the out-of-control, unknown of tomorrow is more easily realized when you are nine months pregnant.

Again and again God reminds me of His lavish love for me. Last week He did it through my family. Living five hours away from them, a three day visit is glorious.

 

My niece Mia gave me a hydrangea. Very sweet of her, so we proudly took a picture together. Later I learned she had been clipping the whole bush for me. She has no idea how much that means to me.

 

My Mom cooked breakfast every morning, cared about my swollen feet, didn't let me help weed the garden, and took care of Tristan. I am proud to be her daughter. When I hear stories of the ways she and Grandma serve others I wonder if I will ever be that unselfish.

 

Here I am am with two of my sisters, Sheri and Sonya. I left knowing I'd received more from them than what I had given. Three days with them are way too short.

Rich Mama

He wakes me at 6:30, happy voice talking loudly from his crib too early on a Saturday morning. I go to him, little boy with sticking up hair clutching an orange kitty and a tattered blanket.

Hand in hand we go down the stairs, happy boy hopping and sleepy mama shuffling. I crumble food into the fishbowl as he watches saying, "Num, nums". We eat cereal and toast. He repeatedly punches open my computer's disk drive as I check my email. His pestering to watch his "Dump, Dump" movie leaves me no option of answering mail.

Wearing my favorite nightgown I sweep the floors, then get down on my hands and knees, lumbering over hardwood with a bucket and a rag. He dances about spreading toast crumbs, emptying the crayon box, spilling his milk, and talking about "Dah, Dah".

What's a mama to do but try to smile and be grateful to be 31 years old, the mother of this boy, the wife of his daddy, and the bride of their Maker. That, and be glad when Daddy gets up and takes the boy with him for the morning so I can nap on the couch. I am rich.

Photo is thanks to my talented SIL.

Morning Glory Muffins

These muffins have been a healthy comfort food for me the last few months. They may taste bland to some, but spices don't appeal to me right now.

* 1 cup Whole Wheat Flour
* 1 cup White Flour
* Scant 2/3 cup Sugar
* 2 teaspoons Baking Soda
* 1/2 teaspoon Salt
* 1 cup Grated Carrots
* 1 cup Grated Zucchini
* 1 Apple, Peeled And Grated
* 1/2 cup Raisins
* 1/2 cup Nuts Or Sunflower Seeds
* 1/2 cup Unsweetened Coconut
* 1/2 cup Unsweetened Applesauce Or Plain Yogurt
* 1/2 cups Oil
* 2 teaspoons Vanilla
* 3 Eggs

Preparation Instructions

In a large bowl mix flours, sugar, soda, and salt. Stir in carrots, zucchini, raisins, nuts, coconut, and apple. Mix eggs, applesauce, oil, and vanilla together. Stir into flour mixture until batter is just combined. Spoon into greased muffin tins, filling to the top. Bake at 350 for 15 – 20 minutes, being careful not to over bake.

Just Live Today

Blue eyes turn toward mine as I pass out the bars for Kid's Club snack. Kristen asks her routine question, "Are we going to be able to have two?"

"Not tonight," I reply. Seeing her beginning pout I can't keep the edge from my voice. "Enjoy the one you have. If you complain you could lose your snack."

As I dismiss the children after the noisy final assembly Kristen comes to me. "Will there be brownies next time?"

"I don't know." My words come with inward, and likely outward, annoyance. I am busy. She doesn't need to know that right now and should be quiet in her seat. She turns away.

Awake during the night I writhe, remembering those encounters. I can think of twenty-five better responses to Kristen's questions.

Morning comes and with it a burden about this and many other things. The Lord shows me I sound a lot like Kristen.

Brown eyes turned toward Him I wail. "Am I going to be able to accomplish all the things I hope to before the baby comes in 3 months? What about the traveling? What about the bike rides with Geryll and Tristan? What about the parties with friends? What about the spring cleaning? What about the painting? What about the sewing? What about my inadequacies that need attention? What about . . .? The summer looks too short!"

His voice is gentle, "Carla, just live in the grace I offer you today. If you fret you will lose your joy and peace."

I come to him again. "What about the delivery and health of the baby?"

And he who stands before the noise of all people, yet is never busy, turns to me. "You don't need to know that now. Just live today."

Celebrating Life

Saturday tasted of paradise. Geryll, Tristan and I worked together in the back yard, biked together at Presque Isle, then cooked together before going to bed. Days like this, so precious, can make me afraid. I fear pain and death that may come, bringing tears rather than laughter, making it impossible for me to live another day like this one.

This coming week marks 10 years since my 6th grade student, Heather, was killed in an accident. I remember the shock, the realization that I could not have another moment with her. The recent tragedy involving the Esh family reminds me that I can't keep my family alive.

How does a woman live with this realization? I know that no one can take away the sweet family times I've experienced. I have "right now" with my family. Still, that isn't sufficient.

I also know that though tears and death are inevitable, they are not the final word for me as a Christian. Isaiah 25:8 says, "He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces." This is what Easter speaks to me this year. Christ's suffering reminds me of the pain of living. His resurrection promises me the hope of life after death.

"Because he lives, I can face tomorrow." I can't honestly say, "all fear is gone". I will say, "I bring my fears to Him. I know He holds the now, has held the past and will hold the future."

Gradual Growth

Several weeks ago I pulled out an unfinished maternity dress. I'd nearly completed it when I was pregnant with Tristan. However, something was wrong with the back skirt, making it unfit to wear. I'd given up on it, completely frustrated at what I considered a waste of time and money. Now, two years later, as I ripped apart the skirt in search of a solution, the problem was obvious and easily fixed.

Slowly, imperceptibly to me, I’ve grown as a seamstress. Time spent sewing simple aprons as gifts for friends, curtains for the kitchen, and several easy dresses for myself improved my skills. What was hard two years ago is easy today.

So life goes, full of gradual growth. A kind word spoken when I’d rather snap, an invitation accepted when I’d rather stay home, a sacrifice made when I’d rather be selfish, a lesson taught when I’d rather just listen; all these and more work to grow my character in small ways. The ordinary days grow me in ways I can’t see at the time.

My friend, Sister Eva, said to me “Carla, Christ is growing and being formed in you, just as that baby is growing up inside of you.” I can’t see the baby’s growth with my eyes. My belly gradually swells. I feel more movement from the child. Change comes slowly. But miraculous growth happens daily.

Even so Christ grows within me. “Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” “That Christ may grow in your hearts by faith.” The baby growing inside isn’t the only miracle gradually growing and changing me. These ordinary days of worship, work and relationships yield more of the fullness of God in me, as I listen to His Spirit.

The dress, representing growth in myself and veiling the growth of my my baby.

Geryll listens to Tristan talk about the twinkling stars, an ordinary moment with extraordinary glory.

What Matters Most

"We can do no great things, only small things with great love." ~ Mother Teresa.

My mother-in-law modeled this for me today as she stopped by to pick something up, then ended up helping Tristan build his first snowman in the back yard. (Notice how she is clapping her hands in praise of him). Too often I find myself too busy doing "big" things to stop and do the little things. As Shane Claiborne says, "It's easy to fall in love with the great things . . . .We can so easily become driven by our vision for church growth or community or social justice that we forget those little things like caring for those around us."

It won't be long before my son knows stress and worry as he faces life's battles. For now, he plays. He delights in his world. He trusts his daddy and mama. What a beautiful season of life for him. May I as his mama not miss it because I was too busy trying to "do things that count".



After she left we carried snowballs to the sunny front yard and built a snowman. By the end of the day there was a small ball left. If I'd just make enough snowmen I could clean all that snow out of the backyard :)

Anticipation

Here Tristan is practicing for the end of July. Hopefully his baby skills improve!